


Since when?

by jalpari



Series: • Yizhan Diaries • [8]
Category: Actor RPF, Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, BJYX | Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan is Real, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Boys' Love, Bozhan, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Wangxiao - Freeform, Yizhan - Freeform, bjyxszd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25299574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jalpari/pseuds/jalpari
Summary: My mind keeps imagining all the different possible ways in which Yizhan could have confessed to each other. This is scenario #1!Xiao Zhan's suppressed emotions come to their tipping point at the Weibo awards night. Their era was coming to an end. Soon. And his mind was made up. He would find it in him to let go, even if it meant thrusting a hand deep into his soul and ripping Yibo out of it.Scenario #2 -GouzaizaiScenario #3 -You didn't make it easyAll my other Yizhan stories -Yizhan diariesYizhan AUsMy Twitter -@jalpari_yizhan,@yizhanmood
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo & Xiao Zhan, Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan
Series: • Yizhan Diaries • [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611649
Comments: 38
Kudos: 308





	Since when?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mizrosecat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizrosecat/gifts).



> Dedicating this to my bs, mizmelodrama - my brain sister, bullshit sister, bipolar sister. You know I'm gonna get all sappy on you. 
> 
> On April 27, you asked me my age in your comment on Yizhan through the years and I dm'd you on twitter. And the rest as they say is history. I am so glad you left me that weird comment and even more glad that I have the habit of replying to each and every comment lmao! Thank you for being with me every step of the way as I struggle my way through my mental health to write!
> 
> Can't wait for you to wake up to this! ILY!!

* * *

”No, I don't understand, ge. Why do we have to behave like we don't know each other? Everything was fine just a few days ago at the Tencent awards. We had so much fun, despite those stupid cameras that were on us the whole time.”

”Because we…had too much fun. The fans went crazy. We can't do the same at this event. It’s more high profile.”

”God! I’ve never had so many restrictions put on my interactions with a co-actor. How is this any different from the way other actors interact and promote and do fan service!? This is how we’ve been from the start. It doesn’t need policing!”

Xiao Zhan felt a pang at Yibo’s words. _How is this any different?_

”Well...it’s not any different I guess. But it’s what they want.”

”Well it’s stupid! They’re making such a big deal out of nothing. Plus, you’re my friend! How can I not talk to you or acknowledge you?!”

_Friend._ Xiao Zhan thought with another pang.

”I know Bo-di...but we have no choice.”

He sighed and ended the call as his car arrived at the red carpet. Yibo would be late. Yibo would leave early. Yibo had a flight to catch. Yibo was always on the move. And now so was he.

Xiao Zhan arrived at the venue and was led to his seat. His eyes glanced at the placeholder that bore Yibo’s name. His spot was two spaces ahead. Just enough to keep their distance but still be caught in the same photo for indirect fan service.

He swallowed his feelings, feelings he wasn't sure of anyway. Feelings that he had held in since they had parted last summer after a whirlwind four months. Feelings that had never subsided even when the messages had. Feelings that were never reciprocated despite the outrageous fan service that always seemed to be a tad more than necessary. 

The months of promotions had led to their resurgence but the wave had scattered and dispersed when the separation had resumed. Failed plans to meet up over dinner turned into missed calls turned into perfunctory messages once again.

As the event progressed, he kept his eyes fixed on the stage, determined to not give in to his urges to gaze upon the soft face he loved. It never ceased to amaze him how one person could demand so much of attention and yet, somehow, the feelings were one sided. 

He wanted to take care of him. Wanted to be his only gege. Wanted to shower him with affection. Wanted to hold his undivided attention forever. Wanted to be the sole target of his shenanigans again. When he was on stage with some other actors, Xiao Zhan used it as the perfect excuse to observe him.

And observe him, he did. He watched. He watched as Yibo stood respectfully amidst the group of people. He watched as Yibo smiled and waved at an old friend. He watched as the friend grabbed Yibo’s hand and led him to his side of the stage. And Yibo let him.

Xiao Zhan grit his teeth and clenched his fist. But what could he say? He had no right.

After their segments were done and Xiao Zhan was not needed for anything else, he grabbed his bottle and left. Keeping some composure he said a brief goodbye to Yibo knowing he would be gone by the time Xiao Zhan had regained his senses and returned for the rest of the event.

He headed straight to the private restroom at the far end and once inside, gripped the edges of the granite counter and stared at his pitiful jealous unsatisfied pathetic self.

_Over one and half years and you’re still stuck here. Unable to move on. Unable to confess. Unable to detach. What do you want? What is it that you want, you miserable fool?_

He splashed some water to cool down his rising temper, not caring about his make up, knowing they would touch him up anyway at least ten more times throughout the event.

”Idiot. How fucking dare he?” Xiao Zhan finally gave in to the rage, needing to let it out.

”I just...I just…I wish… ,” he swallowed, unable to say it out loud just as he had been unable to say any of his other feelings out loud for all these years. Not even to himself.

If he said it, it would become more real. So he had suppressed it, packed it up, locked it deep inside the recesses of his mind and heart. Safely tucked away. As he watched Yibo shine from afar. It had been enough on most days. On others, like today, it had been pure torture.

He had been careful to not confuse Yibo’s fan service for anything else. He had constantly reminded himself that Yibo always had geges in every project he was a part of. That even though his behaviour towards him seemed different, it really wasn’t. Just as Yibo had said on the call before the event.

_How is this any different?_

He felt the back of his eyes burn. And suddenly that was it. All the pent up emotions. Whirling inside like an ever building storm. He laughed at the lynch pin. That all it took was a brief moment of jealousy. That the other men in his life could touch him, hug him, hold his hand, post funny photos on Weibo with him, leave affectionate comments for him, not hold back anything with him. 

And he came undone. It had been okay as long as he could imagine Yibo as the reticent, shy, slow to open, always polite and respectful person with everyone he met. Always keeping a safe distance. He had wanted to live in that delusion. But deep down, he knew that wasn’t true. 

He had his One more try bros with whom he was rowdy and open, he had his TTXS brothers with whom he had a soft bond and softer smiles, he had his Uniq boys with whom he had grown up and had an irreplaceable special bond, he had his geges from the past and future projects with whom he would also develop a rapport and cackle and play. 

Xiao Zhan had just been one of them. The longest one only because of the crazy success of their show and cp. But one of them, nonetheless. And if the current events were any sign, their era was coming to an end. Soon.

He splashed more water on his face. Determined to finally finally finally, push the emotions out. He was determined to finally let it go. Let it go before it consumed him to the point of misery and despair. He would find it in him to let go, even if it meant thrusting a hand deep into his soul and ripping Yibo out of it. 

Enough was enough.

One by one he went over each and every memory with Yibo since their summer began and laid it to rest. He forced himself to forget the tingling in his stomach every time Yibo grinned at him. He forced himself to let go of the warmth he felt every time Yibo barged into his personal space. He forced himself to forget the feelings that ravaged his body every time Yibo touched him to straighten his hair or smoothen his costume.

He erased the silly joking declarations of love and adoration that had moved him more than he would ever acknowledge, he erased the soft smiles and softer words that Yibo showered him with that sent his mind in a tizzy, he erased the weakness he felt when Yibo glanced at him amidst a crowd of people that made him feel like he was the center of his world. 

He erased and erased and forgot and forgot until all that was left was a void inside him. An emptiness, a silence, a hole. Xiao Zhan felt it. Lodged within him. Probably forever. And he decided that that would be the only memory of Yibo he would carry. The painful nothingness of forgotten moments.

He took in deep breaths and stared at the floor, water droplets still dripping off his face onto the tiles. He curled his lips inwards to suppress the sob that was sure to come in a few more seconds when...

”Oh…sorry…” the door opened. “I didn't know someone was in…Zhan-ge?” 

Xiao Zhan shut his eyes and cursed at the sudden intrusion by the familiar voice.

”I was looking everywhere for you...why didn't you answer my calls?”

Xiao Zhan opened his eyes and took a deep breath. He stood up straight and turned towards the tissue holder and wiped his face carefully.

”I have to leave soon…have a flight to catch,” the unsure voice went on.

Xiao Zhan mustered up his courage and faced Yibo.

”Have a safe flight,” he smiled. “I’ll see you around.”

With a light pat on his arm and a bow, Xiao Zhan walked past Yibo and turned to leave the restroom. But barely had he taken two steps, that he felt something grab his elbow and stop him.

”Don’t go,” Yibo blurted.

”You’re the one who has to go,” Xiao Zhan reminded Yibo, the smile still plastered on his face.

Yibo studied his face, a lost expression spread across his own.

Xiao Zhan placed a hand on Yibo’s and peeled it off his arm gently. 

”I must get going too...have to return to the event.”

”You have a few minutes?” Yibo asked.

”Not really...I have another award to receive soon.”

”You have a few minutes.” Yibo stated this time.

”What could be so important?”

”When?” Yibo blurted again and strode forward to block his exit.

”When what?”

”Since when?” His eyes bore into Xiao Zhan’s.

”I...I don't know what you mean,” Xiao Zhan stuttered, side stepping him to leave.

”For me it was when we parted after the summer. We grew apart. And that’s when I knew.” Yibo whispered, holding onto Xiao Zhan’s wrist in one last attempt to stop him.

”Is this some kind of joke? It’s not funny.” Xiao Zhan trembled and tried pulling away. “And there are no fans here to service.”

”Look at me.”

Xiao Zhan schooled his face and looked up at Yibo. He froze when he saw tears staining the soft cheeks.

”Since when?” He asked again.

Xiao Zhan slipped out of his grip and placed one hand on the cheek and wiped the glistening wetness away. He felt his heart cave and his last reserves of self restraint empty out.

”I don't know…,” he whispered in surrender.

”Why didn't you say anything…”

”Why didn't you say anything…”

”Zhan-ge…,” Yibo sniffled.

”Bo-di…”

”Zhan-ge…,” he let more tears flow out.

Xiao Zhan didn't stand a chance anymore. He placed one hand behind Yibo’s neck and the other around his waist and pulled their bodies together, crashing his lips into Yibo’s. He pushed Yibo against the door and wrapped his arms around his trembling body.

He enveloped his lips and licked them and nipped at them, fighting for more, wanting more, begging for more. He dove in with his tongue and tasted Yibo inside out, as Yibo’s hand clutched his shirt with a gasp. He devoured him hungrily, after denying himself for years. He pressed them together tightly until he could feel Yibo’s thudding heart matched only by his own.

When he parted their lips, still not pulling away completely, he gazed at Yibo. Yibo’s lips were red, shiny, and ravished. He held him close, softly this time and placed his forehead against his.

”Zhan-ge,” Yibo whispered with a smile. “Didi ai ni.”

”Wang Yibo,” Xiao Zhan whispered back, a real smile finally appearing on his face. ‘Wo ye ai ni.”


End file.
